life..transitions..decisions

I’ve come a few baby steps in the grief process..i’m on sick leave right now..i need rest, my body can’t take any more..had an ultrasound after two mammograms..yeesh that ultrasound was not nice at all.. waiting for my son’s trampoline to come in..slowly learning about autism..things are keeping a “little” bit better..i know my son interacts with the world differently than I do and that is okay..i would not want to be changed into something i’m not why should he? …hope I make some friends..

don’t now where to go

I have so many decisions to make I don’t know where to start. Please Higher power help me find the clarity and wisdom to make the right ones. I’m getting desparate and don’t know if we can continue to live this way. Got to go. Talk later.

friday nite, not having good feelings

Hey it’s friday nite. Feeling sad. Realizing who my true friends are. Vision is skewed. I asked for help this week from someone (someplace?) and never expected that reaction. I now know she really isn’t interested in having friends. That’s okay, i guess. i don’t know. Some times i just want to escape to another place. Sometimes i think anything is better than this world. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. Is it depression or just the way it really is. I remember many years ago someone told me the analogy about finding a good friend..the jellybean analogy. I’m just so angry i don’t know what to do..it scares me to be be this angry i have horrible thoughts. i ‘ve hit bottom..i wonder how to feel better but i don’t see how..

sadness, dreaming, hello!! looking for a friend:)

well i can see this is going to take me a while to learn how to use but that’s a process. i’m going to try and go to bed. long story, my beautiful son is autistic and sleeping problems and others abound. I could cry a zillion tears. I also have fibromyagia and major depression. Great huh? That’s why i’m here,,reaching out..learning from each other,,only together we can learn from each other..Hoping to hear from someone soon. Even though i am not sure how many people see this. Oh i’m big on writing my dreams have some wicked ones lately that keep cropping up. Just realized the meaning behind the last dream that was reocurring. Long story short my dream was telling me i want to escape from my present situation into a time when life was simpler, easier and it simply will not happen. Hmmm….

good sleep and balance

good morning from northern alberta, it is a balmy minus eighteen this morning,, not bad, could be a lot worse for us. sunrise 8:48, sunset 4:22p= 7 hours 34 glorious minutes of daylight..i get really excited over daylight. i did not have my reocurring dream last night? i talk to you about that later,, my desire to escape..don’t we all?? i am looking for friends, no b.s. just real, true friends and a safe place where we can all talk without judgement..now i don’t want anything inappropriate,,of course like things that hurt others..get help if that is your issue..my life is not balanced right now..it’s work,home, mom, sleep and pray i get a good sleep. with child with special needs it’s a gamble..i need to find out who i am again, not mom, partner, employee, just me, surviving wanting to thrive..a thought how important is money to you? not to survive the day to day stuff but does it wear you down or lift you up? sometimes i;d like to live off the land somewhere but i’m too old to do that right now..i feel the pressure to accumulate money for retirement, the pressure overwhelming..sometimes life is just overwhelming..we forget thought we made the rules they can be changed…add this morning..lots of thoughts, happens when you don’t have a friend to talk to..have a good day..God bless you..